he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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