my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
