Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
