So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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