ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
