I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
