Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
