My cat gives me a boner
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
