My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
