I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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