my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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