If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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