Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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