The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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