No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
