theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
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I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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