After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
And then he peed in my hair
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