so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
