I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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