come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
