Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
