Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
someone owes me an orgasm
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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