she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
