Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
you never un-have a 4some
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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