Just cropdusted the office
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
