today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
