my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
