You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
