Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The uberlube is also flammable
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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