Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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