Just fell off a train. Bad.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
