my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
