He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
