I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
