Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
