You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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