i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
