I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
