is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
