one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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