she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
