Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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