I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
