3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
