Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I love you.
Bad choice
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
