I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
