WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
pop tarts are not kleenex
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
