my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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