So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
