I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
