Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We don't watch enough power rangers
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
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Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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