Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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