Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
