he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Randomize
