I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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