When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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