if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
