What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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